London

Tomorrow I leave for London to start my study abroad program.

Tomorrow.

“No way. I don’t believe it.”

I remember filing all the paperwork and scheduling all the meetings that were necessary to make this dream happen.

I remember constantly feeling as though there were something else…another paper, another form, another meeting…but there’s not!

“Wait, so this is really happening?”

Even buying my plane ticket to London wasn’t enough to make me believe that this summer, I would be flying across the globe to study abroad.

I think even now I am still in disbelief that it is actually happening and that I leave TOMORROW…HA…

And I think that even when I’m standing in front of Big Ben, spying my little eye on the London eye, or venturing around the halls of the British Museum, I STILL won’t believe it all.

“This is a dream, right?”

Although this is my first time traveling alone, studying and living so far away from home, I feel ready!

“You do?”

…

“How are you going to...”

“Where are you going to…”

“And what if…”

Meet my anxiety. She likes to pop in at every moment of uncertainty. It’s like she’s a caffeine addict whose go-to order at Starbucks is an “I don’t know” grande frappuccino. To top it off, at least five cups a day is her normal.

Although anxiety and I have had our fair share of encounters this year, every time I have come out of it learning more about myself. After I bought my ticket to London, I felt like my dad was more excited about my study abroad program than I was. He was already planning weekend trips for me, buying book after book about London and England, and watching every Rick Steves video he could to learn all the tips and tricks about traveling in England. Every time he asked me a question about the program, I would evade his questions by giving the excuse that I was too focused on school at that moment to be focusing on the trip yet. It was a legitimate feeling, but also a way to get my anxiety from eagerly jumping at the very thought of me not knowing what the answer was. I learned that taking things one at a time allowed for my mind to calmly process the unknown that was looming over me and my time aboard. Although life doesn’t quite allow you to take things slow sometimes, and some parts of the study abroad process didn’t give me the chance to take things one at a time, I quickly learned how to balance my priorities and manage my time between neverending schoolwork and quickly approaching deadlines. I would set aside “me time” during meal times. Then in the evening, I would complete assignments for class in between evening meetings, and late at night I would sit in the lobby of my dorm and do the paperwork for my study abroad program while taking breaks by talking to fun residents in the dorm.

When school was over and I was back at home, I eagerly researched everything my dad asked and started to solidify the preparations needed to make the most of my time studying abroad. Logistical questions definitely gave the chance for my anxiety to have at it again, but I didn’t let that happen. Instead, I would take in deep breaths, admit that I didn’t have the answer, and quickly search it up before losing my next thought. There were so many tasks and unanswered questions running through my mind that I often would resort to asking my parents to write their questions on sticky notes, leaving many tabs open on my computer of things that I wanted to do, and writing too many to-do lists. But the most rewarding thing was crumpling up that sticky note after the question was answered, closing those tabs after side trips were decided, crossing off all those to-do lists laying around the house. Simple things like that made me feel more confident in the preparation of my trip and allowed myself to be okay with the unknown. The preparation leading up to tomorrow’s flight has given me the life skills I needed to allow my anxiety to be productive instead of destructive.

I’m looking forward to applying the skills I learned during this experience to my time studying abroad. I don’t know what my daily life will look like hour by hour, but I know that I won’t let the unknown fuel my anxiety. Instead of looking at how much free time I have and thinking of what I “should” be doing, I will think about what I can be doing, because I can do it. Even when I’m struggling to see that I can do it, I know that I have a solid support system that's got my back. Thanks to technology, I know that being so far away from home doesn’t have to mean that my support system is gone. Cellphones and a little help from the internet can help me stay connected to friends and family during tough times.

I won’t let my anxiety paralyze me, I won’t go down without a fight.

I am ready.

No, not with a boy. It’s midterms season and I’ve found myself being particularly stressed about schoolwork, my job, and my life as a whole. It is so easy for me to be swept away in the stress of it all and completely forget the big picture. As my dad likes to say, when I focus on something, I really focus on it. When I’m involved in doing something, it is hard to shift my attention to basically anything else other than the task at hand. This week, that thing that has held my entire attention was work. With three lengthy papers I had due recently, my mind has been completely occupied with everything academic. Even in spending time with friends, I’ve found academics to be central to that time. On Friday night, we participated in a scavenger hunt in Trafalgar Square. A few of the hints for the scavenger hunt were based on British/world history. As we were sprinting across the square, dodging bikers and buses alike, I wasn’t really thinking about being with my friends. I was going through prominent historical figures and facts that I knew to figure out the hints (I’m also very competitive, if you haven’t figured that out already). Even when we were at a restaurant after the scavenger hunt had finished, I found myself talking about summer internships and my post-graduation plans. While academics are a great thing and I am ultimately here to be a student, this week I found it difficult to shake my student mentality and just be Allison.

By Saturday afternoon, I was thoroughly stressed about my classes. In a panicked call to my roommate and best friend in Indiana (Andi if you’re reading this, you’re the best), she could tell how my focus had gone too far. Thankfully, she is a great friend who will tell me when I’m being a workaholic and need some fresh air. After we talked, I decided to take a stroll down to St. Paul’s and Millennium Bridge. As I was walking along the Thames, I stopped for a moment to listen to street performers and sit along the river. I felt such a weight lift off my shoulders. The funny thing is that over the summer, it was in that exact same spot that I realized what a special place London is. When I was feeling the breeze from the river and listening to the music of the performers, I was overwhelmed with such a deep love for London. I was reminded why I loved the city so much I did two study abroad terms here. There is something so special about being in London that is addictive. Every city is unique in its own way, but I’ve found it is London that has the magic combination of history and modernism. Each day is special, and each day there is something new to see and do. Sitting by the riverside brought me back to earth and helped me remember what continually calls me back to London. I have fallen in love with this place all over again (not surprisingly), and I am thankful for every moment I get to spend here.