Returning Home & Readjusting

It’s been a few days now since I’ve returned back from my semester abroad. To be honest, it wasn’t exactly how I pictured it. Mostly because I was so exhausted I had begun bordering the lines of illness. I probably should have seen it coming though. I jammed so much into my last few weeks, it seems only natural to feel the burden of it all now that I finally have time to catch my breath. At the same time, though it was tiring, I wouldn’t have done it any other way. I truly felt like I got to make the most of my time towards the end, so a little post-trip crash out isn’t the worst price to pay.

In terms of re-adjusting, I’m actually very surprised at how easy it’s been. Maybe I shouldn’t be, but the thing is once you live in a place for so long, you start to forget how you used to live any other way. And then you’re driving through the town you’ve known all your life, going to the same places you’ve been going for years, and it all starts to revert back to the default setting with no difficulty whatsoever. It’s weird that way – weird in the sense that it felt like I had been gone for a really long time, and now it’s hitting me that in reality it was only a single semester. I think it’s a good thing though. It felt like such a long time because I grew so much, I saw so much more of the world, I’ve seen the different ways that life can be. It felt like a lifetime in a lot of ways. A lifetime wrapped nicely into six months. Though now that I’m back – it’s hard not to feel like it was only six months, hard not to feel like it was all a dream and now I’ve woken back up. I think that’s what I’ve been struggling most with since I’ve gotten back.

On the more positive side though, I am happy to report that since I’ve returned, I don’t feel myself having as many regrets or sadness at missed opportunities. There was certainly a time when I was abroad where I couldn’t stop thinking about all the things I didn’t do. Particularly on the social end, I do wish I had gotten more involved in some of the student union groups, or even just talked to some of my classmates more often. And while I would still highly recommend doing those things while studying abroad, I also try not to be too hard on myself. It’s important to remember where you were mentally, physically, emotionally at that time and recognize there was probably a reason those things didn’t end up happening. Whether school was too stressful that week, or you were so tired and just wanted to get home, or you had other priorities you wanted to focus on, I think it’s important not to dwell on the what-might-have-beens. It’s also important to remember that when you start comparing the handful of things you accomplished against the infinite amount of possibilities there are in this world – it’s always going to feel small. So it’s far, far better to focus on all the things you did do, not the things you didn’t.

I think at the end of the day too, whatever regrets I do still have, I can learn from them by doing things differently when I get back to my home university. I’m lucky enough to still have two years left, and I feel like this experience has given me so much growth and insight to really take advantage of the time I still have and the things I can still do. It’s really not the end, it’s only the beginning. And while I may never have an opportunity or experience just like this again, the important part is that I had it at all. And I sincerely believe that I will have other truly great opportunities in the future, and I will ultimately feel more prepared to tackle them because of what I learned during my time abroad.

And because this is my last post, I decided to share something I wrote right before I was about to leave for London all the way back in December. It’s crazy looking back on it and remembering all the feelings I was having, but it also feels so special to know what ultimately became of all those fears and dreams.

December 27th, 2024:

“It is one week until I leave. I’m only slightly concerned I’m running into the same problem I faced when going away to college for the first time a year and a half ago: the problem of ignoring the impending change completely, enabling it to hit me all at once and in the worst possible way. I’m not sure what the best course of action is here, to be honest. I don’t want to be anxious or scared before I need to be, but I also don’t want it to sneak up on me. I think I need to get used to the facts first. I need to remind myself of what’s happening, and allow myself to be excited about all that’s to come. I don’t tend to let myself do that. I don’t like to get excited, because that means getting my hopes up, which means ample more opportunity to be let down. But this won’t be like that. I’m happy this change is coming so close to the new year.

In a way, this almost feels like going away to college for the first time. Going away to college for real. I’m trying not to make the same mistakes twice, but it’s a lot easier in theory than in practice. I’m trying to get prepared as best I can, but it feels like there’s so many things to get in order. I just need to focus and organize. I need to clear things up so I can clear up my mind. So I can focus on the excitement and the joy. So I can let myself breathe and not be scared. I know this is going to be great.

I’m trying to fight off the fear by remembering why I’m doing this in the first place. I try to remember that I very easily could’ve been going back to my home university next semester. It would’ve been far easier, and I would’ve been far less anxious than I am right now. I could’ve enjoyed these last few weeks of winter break by tucking myself into bed and watching TV to pass the time. But even though that possibility would’ve been less scary, in a way, it would’ve also been just as sad. Because it wouldn’t have been an adventure in the same way this is. I try to remember it’s scary because it’s good. And I know I’m going to enjoy it – I just have to remember not to lose perspective about the things that really matter, even though it can definitely be hard at times. 

Whenever I feel myself starting to get anxious, I try to think about all the great people out there that I admire – actors, musicians, politicians, anyone. All those who have ever done something great with their lives. And I think to myself that they too at some point in their young adult lives were also faced with new, exciting, and scary adventures – and they too were probably just as anxious or as nervous as I am.

As I was packing, it just so happened that Harry Potter came on the TV, and as I watched, all of a sudden I was reminded why I’m doing this in the first place; for the eleven year old girl who so desperately wanted to see London, the eighteen year old girl who saw London for the first time and so desperately wanted to go back, and for the girl I will be someday, the girl I want to be – the one who travels and sees the world and can live anywhere she wants so long as she wants it. Even if it’s not always clear, even if I forget sometimes, there is a reason I’m doing this, there is a reason I want to live in London, and all these nerves and worries are a part of something much bigger and much better – and I know I can be sure of that. And who knows, maybe if I’m lucky, a strange thing might happen when I’m walking about the city early in the morning or late into the night. When I’m by myself, and I look around at where I am, and I feel it. And then maybe there’s a corresponding feeling to go along with it, something that might go a little like: I did it. I’m here. And if I can do this, then I can do anything.”