I Spill All.

As my semester in New Zealand draws to a close, and I reflect on my past five months here, I want to share a few things I’ve learned about studying abroad. These are things I don’t talk about much, here in my blogs, or even to my friends and family. But they will (likely) still be a part of your study abroad experience.

The truth is that, at least for me, studying abroad has been magical. I think I will cherish these memories for the rest of my life. I think I will go back to the US feeling radically changed. However, that doesn’t mean studying abroad hasn’t come without its challenges. 

About a month into the program, life here had started to feel so great that I was having nightmares of needing to leave early. It was a common theme in my dreams that some emergency would call me back to the US, and whenever I woke up I would be so disoriented and sad that it’d take a few minutes to realize that it had only been a dream; I was safe and sound in my Christchurch apartment, with months left in this place. 

However, after another couple weeks I started to become overwhelmed. Assignments had begun to pile up. I had grown a little tired. All of sudden, I realized that in between all the tramping and whale watching and ocean swimming I had been doing I had really let school fall to the wayside. 

At the heart of my furious determination to keep going, and going, and see all I could, was the feeling that I needed to study abroad in the right way. I needed to make the most of this opportunity. One thing I found in myself, and other study abroad students to whom I spoke, was this nagging pervasive guilt: guilt that we were never studying abroad in exactly the right way. If we had an amazing weekend traveling, we felt slightly guilty because it was only with other Americans, and so was out of touch with the culture of the country, disconnected from the locals, not as immersive as it could have been. If I took a weekend off from traveling to play with the ultimate frisbee club, I felt guilty. After the games, half of a Saturday and all of a Sunday in New Zealand is just lost and never coming back. Or, I would spend a weekend in Kaikōura and think it was the most amazing thing ever, to which nothing else could ever compare. Then I’d hear that someone saw Kaikōura and something else, and then I’d just feel like I was behind the curve. I think we are all aware of how fleeting and precious our time is here, so there’s a desire for complete optimization of the experience. At the same time, what I’ve realized is that in order to preserve your own mental health, you need to learn to cultivate balance. There is a balance to be struck between making the most of your time abroad and doing so in a way that also feels sustainable and enjoyable to you. Don’t compare yourself, and don't forget: you are still a student.

Also, when you study abroad, you’re broadening your world. You’re taking strides toward building your independence, toward seeing things in a new light, toward gaining a global perspective. At the end of the semester, when you can feel those changes in yourself, you know it is a beautiful and invaluable thing. But in the moment, it may be uncomfortable. I have become a more independent traveler because I had to plan, I had to learn where and how things go wrong, I had to get stuck in a problem and turn to myself for the solution. Becoming a more confident traveler means doing the hard work of first being an uncomfortable and tired traveler.

Overall, I hope this blog has shed some light on the less sunny aspects of study abroad. I have very few regrets from my time here, and I enjoyed this semester so much that I find leaving a little bit tragic. I wish so often that I could relive it all. That being said, when you study abroad, you will likely hit at least one or two roadblocks. They may be uncomfortable, but you will come out stronger on the other side. My advice is: keep things in perspective—because no, sadly, this isn’t your regular life—and remember to make the most of it, but also stay attuned to yourself and your needs. Everyone studies abroad in their own way, at their own pace. Just taking the step to push yourself out of your comfort zone, experience a new culture and place, and challenge what you thought you knew, is already remarkable.