Dealing with Guilt while Studying Abroad

Coming from a household of immigrants, going away to college was already a pretty big ask. Neither of my parents had left the state to study and had lived in Chicago the majority of their lives after immigrating to the US. Even leaving to study in a different state felt difficult, and I had a lot of feelings of guilt, but studying abroad came with a lot more feelings. My family is very small, and we've always kind of relied on each other for everything. When I signed up for study abroad, I felt for a moment that I was almost abandoning my family. When I brought up the topic, I thought my parents would be upset, but I'm grateful for all the support that they gave me. They wanted me to pursue things that they never got the chance to do, and one of those things was studying abroad. Of course, they were worried, but they probably were the best for me, and they had a lot of friends who said that their children gained a lot from the experience. But in the months leading up to my semester abroad, I could only feel a lot of guilt and a lot of fear. There were a lot of times when I wanted to take back my application or cancel my flight because of these feelings.

But eventually, I landed in Chile, and there was no way of turning back. The first two weeks were really hard, especially before classes started. For a moment, I felt like I was goofing off and having a lot of fun while I had left my family at home. I FaceTimed them a lot. I struggled with a lot of homesickness at the time, and it's something I've always struggled with. My parents are independent, and they are adults who can survive without me, but at the same time, being from such a close-knit family, it was hard to leave even for a few months.  We talked about everything; if someone in the house had a problem, it was everyone's problem, and we would overcome it together.

As my classes went on, though, and I started my clinical observations for my health studies program, I realized that I had made the right choice. I was learning a lot, and I was actually growing up too. I had become more mature, more confident, myself more self-assured, and I could do things on my own. Still, every now and again, I would have the same feelings of guilt. You see your parents sacrifice everything for you, it's hard not to feel guilty when you’re having a lot of fun.  I ended up turning to both my friends from home and abroad, many also children of immigrants, about how I felt. This was probably the first time I had talked to anyone about how I felt and the guilt I was feeling. I realized it was pretty common, and I don't think that if I hadn't studied abroad, I would have ever pushed myself to talk about these feelings outside of myself.  I eventually even reached out to my host mom to talk about my feelings of homesickness and feelings of leaving my parents behind.

It may seem silly to explain guilt for leaving for just a few months, but I know there may be somebody reading that might feel the same way, even if it's only for a few weeks. I learned that keeping all my feelings to myself was not the best way to go about things, and overall, my time in Chile taught me that I need to reach out for help when I need it. Studying abroad and Chile was probably one of the best decisions I ever made for not just my academics and my career but also for myself. If you're reading this, you’re from an immigrant family and you have been struggling with some similar feelings. I'm here to tell you that you should definitely take that leap. And if you've already started taking that leap but you still have these feelings, the best thing you could do is talk to somebody. When I started talking to people about how I felt, the feelings became a lot easier to handle. I don't think this feeling will ever go away, but I feel a lot more confident making decisions and trusting that my decisions are the right ones.