First Gen Guilt

Over the course of my time abroad, one recurring thought has overpowered my experiences: guilt. Aside from dealing with being the furthest I’ve ever been from my family, knowing they can’t be with me was hard. 

Many have told me that they’re proud of me for committing to such a one-of-a-kind experience, and it took me a while to realize the position I’m in. Not only am I the first in my immediate family to go to college, but I’m also the first to go to school out of state, which was widely talked about, and my extended family questioned me a lot about that.

Now, I’m also the first in my immediate and extended family to explore the world outside of the United States. Aside from the cost of being able to go abroad, there are legal restrictions that apply to my family. Seeing people have their family visit during the program was something I envied. Every place I visited, I found things that reminded me of my family. Things they would enjoy or find strange. Places that my mom would want us to stop at and take a family photo, and we would all groan, but look back on the picture in the future and recount that picturesque moment. 

Looking back on everything that I had to do to even make going abroad possible, it was a lot of work that I had no help with. It was a similar process to applying for college. IES Abroad Milan was not part of my school's study abroad program, meaning I had to do everything on my own. Aside from the visa process, I did a deep search on everything from figuring out if my courses would transfer back to my university, to applying to a million scholarships to help cover some of the costs, to even being abroad and finding out how to get an Italian number. Adjusting to life away from everything you’ve ever known was also huge. Part of this experience reminded me of the leap my family members took to move to the US from Mexico. It’s not easy at all. 

Sending pictures was the best thing I could do to show my experiences with my parents. My mom would appreciate every picture I sent and was proud to show family members and friends back home new pictures of me exploring a different part of the world. They were all excited to see me thriving abroad and said it was good that I was experiencing new things during this time in my life.

Wanting to bring a little more of my journey back to them, I made it a point to pick up a small gift from every country I visited. I also bought them something from every country I visited. My mom loves cows, and when I was in Switzerland, their shops were filled with them. I got her a cow figurine to add to her collection. My dad is super into cars, and I got him a toy FIAT from the Navigli market. 

My dad asked me to send him a picture of bread once, and it broke me. In Mexican culture, bread is everything, whether sweet or savory, you eat it a lot throughout the day. We had a conversation over the phone about bakeries in Italy and the different breads they have there. It was really endearing to hear him get excited over dough.  I got into a deep reflective moment, knowing my family might not be able to experience these different parts of the world I have the privilege of visiting.  So, the morning I left to return home, I packed him a suitcase full of bread. My family savored it for two weeks. It brought me joy knowing that they would experience a taste of what I got to experience for four months. 

I spoke to my mentor about the guilt I was feeling, and she gave me good advice as someone who is also first-generation and studied abroad in college. She told me that if my parents really didn’t want me to go abroad, they wouldn’t have supported me emotionally and financially, which is true. They came to this country because they wanted me to take advantage of opportunities like these. 

If you’re also first gen, the feeling of guilt and struggle in figuring things out is unavoidable. You should be proud of yourself for taking a step in exploring something new. Take time to talk to your loved ones and share with them what you’re experiencing. Keep on exploring and breaking barriers.