I’m standing in the middle of my room in Long Island, New York, and the floor is nowhere to be seen. Piles of clothes, shoes, bags, and toiletries are strewn across the room and conceal the hardwood flooring beneath them. Soon I will consolidate everything into 3 suitcases and the floor will be spotless. My packing will have to be very strategic in order to fit everything. In addition, I plan to leave space in my suitcases to bring back souvenirs for family and friends.

Another semester has come to an end, and we roll into yet another December break. A typical December break for me is family-filled from beginning to end. We eat together, play soccer together, and shovel snow together. Living in Maine is unique. By comparison to large American cities, it's very rural; without a car, you're very limited in what you can do.

Every morning, a countdown app on my phone alerts me as to how many days I have until I leave for Dublin. Woohoo! Only 100 more days! 75. 50... At the time of writing this post, I’m down to one week. Every morning when I see this notification, I’m not sure how to feel. I feel a pulling in my stomach as if I’m nervous, but also a giddy feeling as if I’m excited.

It has been two weeks since I landed back in Boston, and I have procrastinated this post long enough. I knew in high school that I wanted to study abroad, but for years the thought of that becoming a reality seemed so surreal. Regardless of how much you prepare, you truly have no idea of what you will experience until the day that you board the plane and depart to your new home. It is so hard to come to terms with leaving London, because I am no longer going to study abroad, but I did study abroad.

“I used to just crastinate. Then I decided to go pro.”

I never cease to amaze myself with new and creative ways I come up with to avoid any actual responsibilities. Big test the next day? My entire room is getting cleaned. Interview coming up? I’ll start knitting a sweater. And teach myself to knit. Then go out and buy yarn, knitting needles, and… anything else I need to knit a sweater? I’ll have to spend an hour on Google searching before I even start! This is going to take all night!

Even though I’ve been planning to go abroad since high school, I am surprised at how soon I will actually be there. Fall semester was my busiest yet, with living in an off-campus house for the first time and working five different jobs over the course of the semester. Now that I turned in my last essay and finally have some time to breathe, it’s hard to believe I’ll be on the other side of the world in just two weeks. I feel like all I talk about at the holiday parties I’ve attended is my upcoming trip to Spain, and it’s constantly on my mind.

2020 is here, and while I spent my NYE vicariously living through my friends’ celebration in Shanghai, I reflected on the year gone by. For me, 2019 was the year of China - the year of living abroad, of newfound independence, and self-exploration. Upon arrival at the IES Center in Shanghai, the wonderful staff members asked us what our goals were for the semester. For most of us, we wanted to improve our Chinese and gain a deeper understanding of China. Those goals were important and I’ve since grown fond of goal-setting.

I’ve been hit with the realization that I will soon spend the next few months thousands of miles away from my general comfort zone. With a few days left before I leave for Milan, my thoughts have been all over the place. Do I have everything packed? Did I overpack? What can I purchase there? What do I have to bring no matter what? Are all my papers in order? OH NO DID I FORGET SOMETHING!?!

In five days I prepare to make the transatlantic journey to Barcelona, Spain!! As the question of "are you ready to study abroad?" surfaces in every conversation I have with anyone, each time I get a little more nervous. I can't help but question what I was thinking when I signed up to leave my home university with all my involvement, close friends, success, and comfort for an entire semester. As I say goodbye to so many loved ones for almost four months, I continue to question whether I made the right decision.

The contents of my fridge are slowly disappearing and my extra belongings have been donated. All the postcards and photographs that once adorned the space which I’ve come to call home are safely packed away in my suitcase – which, at this point, I’m not sure will close. But the point stands: I’m set to leave Amsterdam.