Today officially kicks off my journey to London for the UK Today program! I am equal parts thrilled and nervous. I'm sitting at the gate for the first leg of my trip right now, and realized I have approximately 20 minutes until i'm on my way.  I may or may not have had to pay $200 to get my checked bag there because it was too heavy (ouch) and had my shampoo confiscated by TSA because I accidentally put it in my carryon and it was too large (double ouch). I hope a very nice TSA agent gets to take my new olaplex shampoo home.

My heart skipped not one but several beats the second I read the email’s subject line in my inbox: “Midterm exam grades”...

I clicked on it.

On the island, there are no directions. All the things which used to guide me: the river, the highway, are gone. The land here peaks up in one high point, surrounded by sea on all sides. Back home, the river pulls South. There is a movement to follow. Even if you are stuck there, the movement implies that there is somewhere beyond. Here, the ocean, like a river all around me, licks back at my feet instead. There is nowhere to go but stay.

I’ve been struggling with the question, “How was study abroad?” How does one answer that question? How do I say that it was the best four months of my life, but that I still missed all my wonderful friends and family back home? If I go on and on about how life-changing it was, does that make the people back home feel unworthy or discredited? It isn’t that I was away from them, it is that I was away from myself; everything I knew.

“To travel, yes, we have to travel, we should travel, but above all, we should not behave like tourists.” –  Marc Augé. The Impossible Trip. 1998.

Once I returned home to the U.S. from studying abroad in Amsterdam, my dad asked me “So, what was your hardest goodbye?” And my answer almost surprised me when I blurted out, “definitely one of my kids at Heesterveld.” 

So…study abroad is over and it’s time to go home. But what does home really look like? 

When my roommate and I first arrived to Granada, we were pretty exhausted from travelling and completely clueless about navigating the city, both in terms of the physical area and the specific culture that Granada has. Our host parents, Merce and Ignace, along with their son Lorenzo, have been such angels in welcoming us, teaching us, and making Granada feel like our home. Merce, Ignace, and Lorenzo, we dedicate this blog post to you!!

I decided to document how I was feeling the night before leaving for my study abroad program. As you can tell, I wasn't feeling great. I was overwhelmed with anxiety and fear that this experience was not going to be for me. I was scared to leave my family, freinds, a familiar language, and my schedule. I knew I would have fun once I arrived, but there was no way to convince myself of this at the time. Everything felt like I was about to make the biggest mistake of my life.

As I take in my last few days in the city where I’ve lived for the better part of my life, I’m filled with an odd mix of feelings. My bags have been sitting open and partially packed for a few weeks, and as they fill up with all of my life essentials and memories, I wonder what I’m forgetting. I’m sure there is something so important that isn’t safely tucked away in my suitcase between my travel hairdryer and my rolled up sweaters.