My Multi-Cultural Crisis in Córdoba

My whole life I’ve struggled with separation. As a multiracial first generation American daughter of two immigrants there are so many separate facets that make up my being. As a kid, I viewed these separate identities as one whole. It was entirely normal to celebrate Eid and Christmas, normal to wear my shalwar kameez or my church dress. I remember bragging about my family’s Eid celebration as a first grader, bubbling with excitement to share a part of my culture that my fellow classmates didn’t know of. I was lucky enough to have a family that accepted the differences with open arms. It was only when I approached middle school that I really started to separate my identities. I started to focus on how my culture and race made me different as opposed to how it made me unique. I constantly found myself categorizing my identity through separation of religion, race, cultures, and traditions. There were times where I resonated with my Muslim South Asian side of the family more, and there were times where I resonated with the Catholic European side of my family more. There were also times where I didn’t feel like I was either. I had lost the childhood confidence that helped me believe I could be both. 

I had known about many of the interactions between Catholics and Muslims in Spain, especially in Granada, but as I walked through the Mesquita-Catedral in Córdoba, something felt different. It felt weird to be in a place, over a thousand years old, that held such cultural relevance to my own life. As weird as it sounds, I felt like I was a microcosm of the Mesquita-Catedral itself. 

As we walked through our guided tour of the building, it was clear that the building was Catholic. That being said, there were elements of the mosque that were maintained. Each respective area was so beautiful, but knowing what I had about the history of the building, I was almost brought to tears as I roamed the dimly lit halls of the now church. I couldn’t help but contemplate the conflict that had taken place in this space that felt so sacred. I couldn’t help but think of the Muslim people losing a holy place they had labored over for such a long time. I couldn’t help but wonder what it would be like to attend mass in this space or what it would feel like to bring my multi-religious family here. I would have loved to pray, but I wouldn’t have known how to approach it. 

It’s an oxymoron, but I felt sad and at peace. I felt upset and in awe. I felt a lot of emotions I truly didn’t expect myself to feel. I felt like the conflict within me was reflected in this space.

I can't speak for everyone, but I think a common struggle that multiracial and multicultural people have is the struggle to feel comfortable being so many different things at once. It can feel lonely and hard to constantly feel that tension in yourself, but you’re not alone! Unfortunately, or fortunately, (whatever way you see it) that tension is reflected all around us.

I’m kind of struggling to write an ending to this, because there’s not really a resolution. I can just tell you that being abroad has made me think of being mixed in ways I’m not always presented with. Not especially in the way I am constantly thinking of how my identity is received, but more in the way of how I perceive myself. No matter what identities you hold, there will probably be a moment during your time abroad where you’re going to have to wrestle with what you know about yourself a little. And that’s okay! I’ve reflected and learned and contemplated so many of my experiences here in a way that, so far, has made me feel more confident in all of the separate parts that are me. So, my advice to you is to come with an open mind. Be open to things that feel tense, that feel uncomfortable and that challenge a part of who you are. You may discover something new about yourself along the way.