Reflections on My Mental Health and Adjustment

Today is November 1st, and I am reflecting on my time since arriving here in Barcelona, Spain. The first couple of weeks were the honeymoon phase. Everything was new and exciting to me. This still stands, but I also experienced a lot of stress; in fact, at times, I felt really lost. For instance, I got lost taking public transportation. I believe I was commuting to class and asked someone for help with directions because my Google Maps was confusing me. The person gave me the wrong directions, and I had to ask someone else for help. I made it to my destination safely and soundly. But this was scary. What no one tells you is that moving to a new country is so humbling because you are quite literally starting from scratch in every respect. Moving abroad feels like childhood all over again. Where do I eat? Where do I buy a Band-Aid if I scrape my elbow? There are looming questions such as what about this, where is this, and am I making the right decision?

Something that I am noticing about myself lately is that I am a lot more honest with people about my mental health and asking for more support than ever before. In the states, I have a therapist and have been in therapy since I was sixteen, but normally, I get into the mindset of, “I can figure it out by myself.” But this has changed since coming to Barcelona, Spain. After the racial profiling incident (if you are uncertain about this information, read my blog from September). I started visiting the student success center and checking in with staff, and telling them how I am feeling. Seriously, I am not just saying the generic “I’m good” when people ask me how I am doing. I give honest responses about how I feel. Granted, I don’t do this with absolutely everyone, and I also don’t dive into the depths of my soul everyday but I do a great job with utilizing my resources. Also, I started therapy after the racial profiling incident. I look forward to going to therapy every week. I am always learning and challenging how I think. 

One of the things that I started to notice about myself is that I have test anxiety, and feel like I need to go to separate rooms to do my work because I require silence or a controlled environment when doing my assignments. It’s better for my concentration and comprehension of assignments. I readily remember my first year at Spelman and explaining how I was struggling with organizing my time, and someone from the Student Access Center suggested that I get academic accommodations. I put this off because I thought to myself, well, my whole life I’ve gone without accommodations, and all of my educators always told me how wonderful of a student I was. I even graduated from high school with an unweighted 3.8 GPA and a weighted 5.11 GPA. Building on this, I learned how to “master time management” and have continued to maintain high grades in college. But this time around in Spain, things feel different. Adjusting to a new country, homestay family, friends, and classes has been hard for me. Might I add, I also have an internship. I expressed my feelings to my therapist and also brought up the possibility of my being neurodivergent. Which is something others have suggested to me over the years. Despite what others have said, in the view of my family members, I am the smart one who is highly functioning and writes well. My therapist referred me to a psychiatrist, and I had my first consultation with him last week. This upcoming week, I have my second appointment. This week, I am going to do a series of questionnaires. 

Growing up, I would score high on reading tests but do poorly on the math ones. I also just felt very dreamy in class. I was present and there, but I just learned differently. I remember in high school, I would go to office hours to have discussions with my AP Statistics professor because everything she taught went in one ear and out the other. Also, in another one of my math classes, I would have to reteach myself everything on the board. Interestingly enough, my teacher would let me write on the board during classwork, and I would stop and ask her questions about everything. I overlearned when I didn’t understand. I actually ended up winning a Grit Award from the Math Department for demonstrating outstanding perseverance on a regular basis in math class. In English classes, such as the more creative classes like Creative Writing, or AP Literature, I felt like understanding symbols and themes was second nature. 

Just to close out, I share all of this today because I want to practice being more vulnerable. I want to continue to explore my mental health and hopefully share more about my journey and how things go for me now that I have a psychiatrist. I am very grateful that I have the right resources and people in my corner to support me because talking about mental health struggles is antithetical to harmful systems that benefit from silence and pain. 

Also, last month, October 10th was World Mental Health Day, and I celebrated by attending an event with an organization called Iguality. They are a nonprofit organization that was founded in 2022. They provide free mental health care to communities at risk of social exclusion, and they offer a wide range of mental health care services and activities. I went to an event of theirs called The Art of Well-Being, and we talked, did yoga and meditation, and had a creative art therapy session. This event was healing. Lastly, according to my psychiatrist, before I leave Barcelona, Spain, I will have a diagnosis. I look forward to talking more in depth about my mental health journey and how being in Spain has been altering.